This post I am pretty much just going to get straight to the point with. I need to get this out of my system about exactly how I am feeling and why.
In 2 days time at 2pm I am due to catch a flight to Coffs Harbour to spend 3 full days (Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) with my Mum before flying back home on Saturday afternoon. I am really excited, can’t wait, but at the same time I am stressed and freaking out a little bit. It is going to be fantastic to see her face to face instead of just over damn video chat on Facebook Messenger as it has been for a long time now. And I am really looking forward to spending time with her and have a few surprises up my sleeve.
Right now it is 8.48pm Sunday night and I haven’t even begun packing. I was supposed to start it this morning but I kept putting it off. And then at 2pm today it hit home, this is really happening as I did the online check-in for my flight and now have my boarding pass on my phone, seat allocation and everything is ready to go, apart from me. Don’t get me wrong though I AM GOING. So why am I stressed you might ask? Well, this is where it really gets hard to explain, but I will do my best.
Nearly every single time in the past (and this does not all relate to my mum), every time I have made plans they have been fucked up by people, people have tried and they have succeeded in making what was supposed to be a happy occasion one or several of the worst times of my inter life, and I have been through a lot in my 30-year homeless journey, but now is going on 3 years since a new journey began which does not involve being homeless in any way shape or form. I am scared this might happen again which is why I think I am not packing. I am just waiting to be told that plans have changed and now you can’t go. I believe this is totally about my depression, anxiety, panic attacks, so basically my mental health overall.
But, let me make this perfectly clear. I AM GOING NO MATTER WHAT. NOTHING AND NO ONE IS GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND ON THAT. I am just a little stressed and worried. I believe on Tuesday once I arrive at Coffs Harbour and hit the Motel I will feel totally different. But this is just how I am feeling right now. At the end of writing this post and putting it online and having some dinner (as it is now nearly 9pm), I WILL begin packing my major bag which is being done as check-in as luggage on the plane and adding some items to the backpack I am taking on board. I can’t pack everything into that yet as the laptop will be done the night before I leave.
Something did occur that made these thoughts so bad today it wasn’t funny, hence why I have put my plans for today on total hold and made every excuse to not get it even started. But that changes at the end of writing this and after having dinner. I just felt that I needed to get my feeling out there. And the best way for me to do it is in my normal way, by writing about it, by doing this post on my website. I can put things in writing so much better than trying to explain my personal problems to most people. I have no problem giving other people advice, but when it comes to me giving myself advice, now that is a totally different story. I usually can’t do it.
So, now that I have said what I needed to say, I am going to cook a little late dinner and then begin packing my bags. With less than 2 days before my flight leaves, it is time to get this shit done and dusted ready for an early morning departure to the airport on Tuesday.
Peace out … I will do some post whilst I am away and also share some images that are taken during the holiday as well. My next post probably won’t be until I hit the Motel Tuesday night after I have settled in and have got a coffee beside me and my laptop setup or on Wednesday at some time after spending the first full day with Mum. But I will try and get one up by Wednesday night (my time) at the latest, just not sure of what time.