6 days until Christmas Day. 12 days until NYE. 13 days until 2020. 19 days until I turn another year older. All these things within a few weeks of each other. Is it any wonder that I hate this time of year? Is it any wonder I have hated this time of year since about the age of 14? Most of the over 20 years I have spent all these events alone and NYE in total hiding due to my Social Phobia and Anxiety. You would know how many people are around on NYE and for me, that is a complete and utter fucking nightmare.
I hate going out on Christmas Day (even if I could get outdoors alone – which most of the time I can’t) and seeing all the happy families doing things together. I haven’t had that for a very long time and something that I will never have again, no matter how much I try or want it to happen.
Last year I had a pre-Christmas lunch at Coimba. And the same is happening again this year. Which is happening on Christmas Eve. This is because due to the public holidays all my caseworkers are not working. Last year was good and hopefully, this year will be too. But I am not comfortable enough to put any kind of decorations or even a Christmas tree up at home. Why? Because it really isn’t home. It might change when I get my own permanent place. But who knows when that will be. So far it has been a very long 19-month wait and it continues and more than likely will into 2020 also, as 2019 is slowly coming to an end.
Right now I am sitting at home, it is lunchtime on the 19th December 2019. I haven’t long taken a dose of pain medication. The pain from my leg today is totally unbearable. I have had to have several doses of pain medication since 4am this morning when I woke up. After my first dose, I did get another hours sleep. From about 5am until 6am and have been up ever since. I have been working on several websites and also been playing NFSMW Black Edition. I haven’t actually played that in a while. But it has helped me get through today so far, I will probably play some later also.
There has been a lot of changes for me recently, this I will put into another post, which I will write directly after I publish this one.