It is time to be completely honest. I am not coping, I am struggling with my life. And it is only getting worse as the days go by and people don’t understand what I am going through and most don’t understand what I have been through in the over 4 decades of my life. I am doing my best to get by alone … But it isn’t working. And I no longer know where to turn.
I have all these so-called friends in my life and they don’t give a fuck about me. They just use me, get what they want and then ditch me until they want something else. I am not going to allow this to happen anymore. I can not allow this to keep happening. It is fucking me up too much. I try to talk to counsellors, but they are no help. I have tried several different ones over the last 6 months to no avail.
And the constant pain that I am in from various health problems isn’t helping either. And to make things worse is it turns into a pain medication addiction after being on opioid medication for more then 12 months now, ever since I spent those months in Mona Vale Hospital. But I have reduced the amount I have been taking, so the addiction is slowly going away (and yes, I am doing this with the help of my doctor), but the pain isn’t because I am trying so hard not to take them. But there are still multiple times a day that I need to take them.
I hardly ever leave my small unit as it sets my anxiety off so bad … I usually only go out when I have a medical appt. or need to do my weekly shopping. Other then that I am at home. And never leave. I might get out once or twice a week for no more then about an hour. It is just so hard. When I ask my friends if they want to catch up for a coffee because I do feel like I want to get out, it is always the same response. No. I have always been there for them and when I need that bit of support, it is always no. They don’t give a fuck about me, unless there is something in it for them. And I have had enough of being treated that way.
I do have some good friends that try to support as much as they can, but they can’t catch up, because they are either in the US or the UK. So that makes it a little hard. But they are always there for me online and that does mean a lot. It would be better if they were closer so we could actually catch up. But that just isn’t possible.
There are people that will not understand this, but my 2 decades being homeless was so much easier than the way my life is right now. But that is also a life I do not and will do everything in my power not to go back to. It is not a life I want to lead anymore, I also don’t think I would be able to handle living that way anymore after being in a home for around 12 months now. I do totally love having a home, a hot shower when I want it, an actual bed to sleep in and a kitchen to be able to cook a decent meal whenever I want to, no matter what time of the day or night it is. This is something I will not get and never got whilst being homeless. It is not a life I want to go back to, even though it would make a lot of things much easier.
I am seeing my doctor again on the 15th April and I am going to ask her to send me to another counsellor. I am going to try one more. What is the worst that can happen? It doesn’t work and I can’t talk to them like the others … At least it is worth a try. And I have to at least try once more.
If my so-called friends don’t start treating me the same way I treat and help them then it will be time to say good-bye to them. I have done that with several people recently. And I am not scared and will not hesitate in doing it to more if I have too. I can not have people in my life that are going to constantly drag me down into the gutter. I am a better person then that. I deserve better then that. So, no more Mr nice guy. If you want something from me again, my answer will now be no … And that will continue until you start treating me right.
Anyway, that is enough for now. I will type again soon …