The past week has been one of major ups and downs and a week that I have had trouble dealing with for the most part of it. It was like a week where everything was just fucking up and I was just totally starting to lose the plot with everything.
It all started on Friday with my psychologist. During our last, and final session after this, she just wasn’t listening to me and what my needs where. She wanted to deal with into some kind of weird therapy what I was not comfortable with and as a result, would have to see me on a weekly basis. Which wasn’t going to happen. I had already emailed her prior in the week saying I only wanted to go with fortnightly appt.’s after a discussion with my primary caseworker and also my Doctor. They both believed weekly would be too much for me to handle and I would have to agree with that also.
Let me also point out here, that the previous 11 times I saw her everything was fine. Then my NDIS package came through and she would be getting double the amount of money for the same time period we spent together. So, I feel this was also part of her maybe being a bit money hungry and am in it for the right reason for me. For myself dealing with my childhood trauma is something that is going to take a lot of time and trust. And also something I can not go full-on into. I was also not prepared to try some kind of eye movement therapy to deal with this trauma.
After the appt. I was in a bad place already, then had to go to the chemist and do a very quick brief trip into the supermarket. I have never seen the chemist with so many people in it as there was this day and this brought on a panic attack. The good thing is the chemist that I normally deal with (there is 2 as I always use the same chemist every week) noticed me sweating and shaking came over, got me outside and got my medication for me and then brought them to me. They are a bunch of caring people who actually understand me and my conditions.
Then into the supermarket, where again a lot of people were, again not usually the case, so this nearly brought on another damn attack. So this Friday it was just everything going wrong and I was ready to just snap. Turned out that the caseworker that was driving me around that day noticed things going on and my state of mind and he got in touch with my primary caseworker who came picked me up, we went to Hungry Jacks and had a chat. Which made me feel a lot better afterwards.
So back home, medication, tried to sleep, which of course I couldn’t. But I got through.
Then, on Saturday as I had one of my NDIS support workers out helping me with cleaning after we went out to lunch and the waterfront, but the weather was totally shit so we came back home and did other things around the unit. And then in the afternoon, I got notified I had an email. Opened it up and it was from my now former psychologist (I did email her on Friday saying I can not see her anymore and why) and it was from her going on about her and me self-harming (which hasn’t even been a thought for about 4 years now) and all this crap which set me off again, it was just lucky I literally at the time it came through I had someone at home that was able to calm me down and talk through it. But she shouldn’t have even emailed me in the first place after I told her in my email that I didn’t want to work with her anymore, I no longer could trust her and that was it.
Then early this week there were a few minor other issues which were resolved quickly, but now I have to find a new psychologist which is being a total pain the ass to do. But I don’t want to leave it too long or I am not going to want to end up seeing anyone. As it is I am now going to have to start all over again with a new person. And that is a shame, but one last try for me and then I am done. I can’t keep going on like this. But I am thinking I might have to wait until I see my Doctor on the 29th when she is back from holidays and see what name suggestions she has and then I can find any reviews on them and choose someone. But again, this is going to be the beginning of another long rocky road ahead of trust-building.
Now onto something positive, yes something good did happen this week, my unit actually looks like a home again. With the support of my NDIS support worker and my primary caseworker, we were able to get on top of the cleaning and some issues around home to the point now where I am comfortable in letting certain people in my front door again. But still, this is limited due to my trust issues that you all already know about. Literally only have one little corner to finish and the cleanout of the fridge and cupboard and the inter-unit is fully up to scratch again. Thank goodness.
Anyway, that is all for now and I will write again soon …