Feeling Like Shit
Well right now I am really feeling like a piece of shit. I am still thinking back to before I left Sydney and the guy that I liked and who liked me. I don’t know why, I know it’s wrong to even go there, but I felt loved for the short time we were together, something that I haven’t felt for a very long time. Yes I have friends that love me, but that just isn’t the same. Most people should understand that.
Right now I am sitting at the kitchen table at Janette’s, still on my holiday, typing away and thinking about my life and where it is headed … I just wish I felt better then what I do right now. And as mentioned before I am not even sure why the hell I feel this way. Why the hell should I care about a Crystal Meth user? I shouldn’t we all know this … but we also all know that love does strange things to us all. I know that I won’t go back with him but it is still something running through my head.
Maybe I need to begin looking into other things when I get home and see what I am going to do with everything in my life. Cause right now I feel that I am again on a downward spiral. Not anything new for me really. I just wish that I could lead a normal life. But I suppose I will never be normal. To a lot of people in society these days I am not normal. Just because of a sexual preference, it’s total and well and truly bullshit. But it is also something that I am used to and have put up with most of my life. But being in the actual country shows me what it is really like. Most people are great, others well you know.
Right now I really just wish things would end. I don’t now anymore. I have just had enough of being used and abused by fuckers in my life. I will never find anyone decent, I will never be normal, it is just something that I have to live with.
Dylan Yeandle – AGT 2012 Audition
This guy is what I would call “awesome”
Ten Days In
Well it’s day 10 of my Queensland holiday. There has been so much that I have done that I would normally never do. But it has been bloody awesome. I have been to Woodgate Beach and saw a kangaroo taking a crap (which we got on video) … Ewww … Also went camping at Paradise Dam and went tubing behind a jet ski. So bloody fun, even though I came flying off twice and it hurt a little. But it is surely something that I would do again.
Been doing a lot of relaxing which has been the whole point of the trip. I don’t really want to go back home, but I have to. There has been a lot of reflecting time up here and I have made several decisions on what I want to do when I get home. Something won’t be able to start til next year, but that’s okay. Things take time to arrange and to set into motion.
I have a lot of things that need some serious consideration when I get home also, there is something that I really would like to do but I am a bit scared about doing it, cause of how it will be done, but it might be for the good also. But only time will tell. I will have to see after I get home.
Tracking Down My Sister
Well yesterday I got a phone call from a TV Company about an upcoming Pilot TV Show about tracking down my birth sister. This call came out of the blue and was really not expecting it today. But it is something that I really want to do. It will of course not be easy, but I all feel that it is something that I need to do.
If at the end of the day it doesn’t work out then so be it. But hell there is no harm in trying. I will be meeting up with someone about this more upon my return home. So I will keep you updated as to what is happening with this.
Stay tuned for more info on this as it continues to develop.
Friday in the Country
It’s now early Friday morning … and by early I mean 6.40am. I am awake. And I know exactly why. I went to bed just after 9pm last night and was up briefly about 3am. Yesterday I was just so tired that I just decided to go to bed. In a way these early night could be just what I need for when I return home. I have been tying to get into a routine at home for awhile now and just have not been able to. Now where I currently am there hasn’t been any of the really late nights (not yet anyway) and that has been a great thing.
This morning the rain is falling. Not too much, but enough to make it a bit chilly. I think I might have to go put my jeans and a long shirt on soon. I am actually feeling the cold a bit this morning, which is weird cause I really do not usually feel it. Not really sure what is happening with that at the moment. Maybe it’s because I am starting to run and lead a different life to what I am used to.
Yesterday I just spent it with going to the doctors, getting some scripts, and then just relaxing and going for a walk in the afternoon up the main street, or down the main street, what ever it is up here.I pretty much think that today is going to be another quiet and relaxing day before heading off camping tomorrow for 2 nights at Paradise Dam.
I must say that I do really love it up here. And I have only been here for a few days now. We will see how I feel after the 2 weeks. I do still miss home and Sydney, probably cause I am just so used to the gay scene down there and up here I need to be a little more, what’s the word, hidden I suppose. Don’t want to run into issues cause of my sexual preference here that will be just the last thing that I want or need. But it’s all been good this far. So it should really be fine.
So Quiet and Peaceful
Last night I had the best sleep that I have had in a very long time. I was actually in bed at 9.30pm, with a brief wake up at about 3am and then up and about at 6am. And I feel great. It appears that after only one day this is exactly what I need. Time away from home, time away from the big city and the rat race (as we call it).
Just sitting here by the open door to the pool with a nice chill coming in it is so quiet and peaceful. This is something that doesn’t happen at home. By this time there is always the noise of traffic in peak hour heading off to their busy days. People yelling and screaming outside the building like every other day and night. But here, it feels so strange. There is none of that. And I bloody love it.
Ended up having a black cat sleep with me for a bit last night. I forgot to close the bedroom door after my 3am wake up with a little sugar low. Then I nearly jumped outta my skin when I felt something clawing me and it was the cat. Like oh my god I swear I nearly died. Then it curled up on my chest and went to sleep. I know I am a big person still but I didn’t know I was a cushion as well. But that’s all good.
Plans for today? Really at this time I have no idea. There is a chance of rain today and I only saw a little bit of the town yesterday cause I was so exhausted after my first ever flight.
It is still amazing me right now how quiet it is up here. Not something that I am at all used to that is for sure. Is it something that I could get used to? Hell yeah I do think it is. But there is only one thing that would stop me really and that is a lot of country folk are old fashioned and don’t like gay people. Not everyone, don’t get e wrong there.
Anyway that is enough for now I will write again tonight or if something more interesting happens and needs to be posted on throughout the day.
What A Day
Well today has been a very interesting day. As most of you know I have gone on holidays. And onto a plane for the very first time in life. A little scary at first, but it is okay until nearing landing when we went through a lot of clouds and then started bouncing all around the skies. A bit scary that was. But I survived it.
A friend and her daughter met me at the airport and then we went and had lunch at Hungry Jacks before heading on the hour long drive back to her place for a couple of weeks of rest and relaxation.
Spent some of the afternoon sitting in the shade in a local park. Nice and peaceful that was. Next time I will take my mp3 with me and listen to some music whilst sitting there. It is a nice place to sit and relax. Have to do some more exploring of the town though. But plenty of time to do that yet.
3 Hours Til Leave Home
Now the nerves are really beginning to kick in. It is right now 2.10am on the morning of my flight. I have exactly 8 hours til departure. However I am planning on leaving home at 5am to get a taxi to the Airport. Yes I will be major early, but that is okay. I do not want to take any chances of anything going wrong and missing this flight. Or I will be in big big trouble.
I think once I am on the plane and we are going I want be that bad, but I cannot be sure of that either. I will do a post tonight about how it all went though. Both on my Facebook on a blog post.
Bags are packed, I am shaved, soon to be showered and dressed then it will be time to go … Yikes this is actually happening.
First time Flight
Well I am soon to embark on the first ever flight I have ever been on. It may only last for 1 hour and 45 minutes, but for me it’s something that might feel like it will last longer. You see, I have a fear of heights and I am about to go on a plane.
I know from the support and comments I have had from my friends everything should be fine. Doesn’t mean I am not a little stressed about it at the moment. But I am a strong person and I can do anything. I will get through this … I have been through a lot worse in my life.
The next 2 weeks is going to be fun. It is something that I am really looking forward to. There will be lots of pics and blog updates throughout this time so you can feel like you were right there along side me.
I will do another blog post tomorrow morning before I leave. But for now, ta ta
